Pink Shoe LaRue

GORILLA PIMP TACTICS TO TRANSFORM YOUR BUSINESS AND LOVE LIFE

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Before you fall in love with a girl, make sure you like her without make up on. Because that’s what you’re gonna see 90% of the time.
Pink Shoe LaRue

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PIMP GOSPEL VOL. 1

WHILE YOU MAKIN CUTE LITTLE MIX CDS, ARTS AND CRAFTS PROJECTS, AND OIL PAINTINGS AND POEMS WRITTEN IN CALIGRAPHY FOR A GIRL. ON ROMANTIC EXCURSIONS TO THE ART GALLERY WHERE YOU GIVE HER CUPCAKES BAKED IN THE SHAPE OF HER NAME DAT GOT GUCCI SPRINKLES ON THEM. SENDING HER TEXTS ABOUT MAJESTIC SUNSETS AND POODLE PUPPIES AND CRYING WHEN YOU THINK OF HOW BEAUTIFUL SHE’D LOOK ON A DATE WHERE YOU TOOK HER TO GET ICECREAM CONES AND FUCKIN WATCH GLEE AND SHIT AND NEVER SLEEPIN WITH HER CUZ SHE SAYS YOU’RE MORE OF A BROTHER OR A BEST FRIEND THAN A LOVER…

…SOME OTHER DUDE IS GIVIN HER PIPE. AND SHE THINKS ABOUT HIM MORE.

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Hi Pink Shoe Larue, I’m having a boy I really like over for dinner next week and I really want to impress him. What should I cook?!

THE KEY TO A MAN’S HEART IS TO FILL HIS MOUTH WITH YOUR FOOD, AND FILL YOUR MOUTH WITH HIS PENIS.

MY BOTTOM BITCH WON MY HEART WITH BRAISED SHORT RIBS AND HOMEMADE MASHED POTATOES THE FIRST TIME SHE COOKED DADDY DINNER. MAKE SOMETHIN THAT ISN’T EASY. DON’T JUST MAKE PASTA OR SOME BITCH ASS FOREMAN GRILL CHICKEN. MAKE SOMETHIN IMPRESSIVE THAT PROVES YOU’RE WIFE MATERIAL, PRAISE GOD HALLELUJAH. AND BY ALL MEANS, DON’T COOK OUT THE FUCKIN BOX. MAKE IT FROM SCRATCH!

I HIGHLY RECOMMEND YOU GIVE HIM A STRIP TEASE DANCE WHILE HE EATS. MEN HAVE A HARD TIME SAYING NO TO FOOD AND TITTIES.

PINK SHOE LARUE

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Dear Pink Shoe Larue, none of the bitches at the bars like me, none of the bitches at school like me, none of the bitches on okcupid like me. How do I get game like yours so I can stop being so god damn lonely?

YOU NEED 2 THINGS.

1. CONFIDENCE — BITCHES AIN’T GONNA LIKE YOU IF YOU LOOK AT THE GROUND AND TALK WITH A WEAK ASS, SQUEAKY VOICE. PRAISE JESUS. YOU NEED TO FEEL YOURSELF A LITTLE MORE. BE PROUD OF YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENTS. IF YOU DON’T HAVE ANY RECENT ACCOMPLISHMENTS, THINK ABOUT SOME OLD ONES. BEFORE YOU APPROACH A FINE THOROUGHBREAD BITCH THINK ABOUT THE TIME YOU KICKED THE WINNING HOMERUN AT KICKBALL IN 3RD GRADE. THEN ROLL UP ON DA BITCH LIKE “SUP BITCH! I’M FANTASTIC.”

2. A MAKEOVER — QUIT DRESSIN LIKE A BUM. GET SOME NEW SHOES, SOME FLY, NICE FITTING JEANS, AND SOME NICE SHIRTS. HAVE A HOT GIRL HELP YOU PICK YOUR CLOTHES OUT. BITCHES AIN’T TRYIN TO DATE A MOTHAFUCKA WHO LOOKS LIKE HE BOUGHT HIS CLOTHES AT A GAS STATION. PRAISE FUCKIN JESUS

PINK SHOE LARUE

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How do you fuck a girl that says she is waiting until marriage?

I’M NO ROCKET SCIENTIST… BUT I’LL TAKE A STAB AT IT.

MARRY HER?

PINK SHOE LARUE

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Dear Pink Shoe LaRue

Do guys like it when girls shave their arms?

HOW BOUT SOME MOTHAFUCKIN SPECIFICITY BITCH?

ARE YOU ASKIN IF GUYS LIKE IT WHEN GIRLS SHAVE THEIR ARMPITS? IF SO, HERE’S THE ANSWER:

GUYS LIKE HAIR ON A GIRL’S HEAD. GUYS TOLERATE EYEBROWS AND EYELASHES. BESIDES THAT, EVERY SINGLE FUCKIN HAIR ON YO MOTHAFUCKIN BODY BETTER BE PLUCKED AND/OR WAXED OFF. HAIRY LEGS, STUBBLY LEGS, PRICKLY LEGS, PRICKLY ARMPITS, EVEN DA SMALL, SOLO NIPPLE HAIR. GET RID OF IT!!!!!

IF YOU CAN DO AN ARTISTIC DESIGN OR STRIP AROUND YA PUSSY CAT, THEN DAT MIGHT BE TOLERABLE. BUT I’D JUST SUGGEST YOU DUNK YOUR BODY IN A POOL OF WAX FROM THE EYELASHES DOWN AND REMOVE ALL OF IT. ALLLLL OF IT.

IF YOU ASKIN IF GUYS LIKE WHEN GIRLS SHAVE THEIR ARMS? UH… I DUNNO. IF YOU GOT BLACK ASS HAIRS ALL UP ON YOUR ARMS, YEAH, SHAVE EM. BUT IF YOUR ARMS ARE JUST NORMAL BITCH ARMS, GUYS DON’T REALLY CARE. THANKS FOR DA EMAIL BITCH CONGRATULATIONS

PINK SHOE LARUE

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Mr. Pink Shoe Larue

Hi, so my boyfriend and I have been dating a while, but he still acts like the girl in the relationship.. I like him a lot, but I don’t know how to tell him to grow some grapes without sounding like my regular bitchy self. Help? Thank you(:

GOD DAMN IT FELLAS, DON’T YOU REALIZE DAT DEEZ BITCHES WANT A MAN. WITH STRONG MUSCLES, AND A JUICY DICK, AND A KNIFE IN THEIR BACK POCKET? WOULD YOU SISSY MOTHAFUCKAZ STOP SAYING SHIT LIKE “BABY I WANNA SNUGGLE” AND “LET’S GET A PUPPY.” GOD DAMN IT. Y’ALLS MAMAS DONE RUINED YO LIVES… PRAISE AFRICAN JESUS

BITCH I WANT YOU TO BE A BITCH ABOUT THIS LIL BITCH ASS MOFUCKER. YOU TELL HIM TO STOP BEIN SUCH A HOE ASS WIMP. TELL HIM IF HE KEEP ACTIN LIKE HE GOT A CLITORIS U GONNA BREAK OUT DA STRAP ON AND SHOW HIM HOW YOU WANNA BE PUNISHED. STRETCH DAT LIL BOOTY HOLE OUT. THANKS FOR WRITIN BITCH, WAY TO GO.

PINK SHOE LARUE

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Dear Pink Shoe LaRue, I’ve known this guy for almost 7 yrs, we used to be pretty close, and I was terribly in love with him. Anyway, now we rarely see each other, but I would really like to see him again. Shall I contact him or not ? Thank you, Margot (from France).

HEY MARGOT

THANKS FOR WRITIN ME BITCH. I VOTE YES, DROP HIM A LINE. HE MAY FEEL DA EXACT SAME WAY BUT THINK YOU HAVE MOVED ON. I’VE FOUND FOR GUYS AND BITCHES BOTH, ONCE DA HEART OPENS UP FOR SOMEONE, NO MATTER HOW LONG Y’ALL GO WITHOUT SPEAKING, IT FEELS GOOD AS NEW WHEN YOU SPEAK AGAIN. PLUS ENOUGH TIME HAS PASSED NOW, SO ANY DRAMA OR CHAOS FROM DA PAST HAS SURELY SETTLED DOWN. DROP HIM A LINE, ASK HIM TO COME OVER FOR A MOVIE, AND PLAY WIT HIS BALLS IF YOU FEEL LIKE HE DESERVES IT. MAKE SURE YOU WAX THO, FRENCH HOES IS DA BEST WHEN THEY SMOOTH LIKE A BABY ELEPHANT’S BUTT..

PINK SHOE LARUE

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What should I do? My bitch, who has ignored me for 2 weeks, didn’t even wish me happy new year or replied to my texts, now texts me saying “I miss you :/” I saw her posting stuff on FB while she was ignoring me and she looked happy going out and shit. Should I text her back or ignore her and give her a dose of her own medicine.

ABSOLUTELY IGNORE DAT BITCH YOUNG BLOOD.. DOES SHE NOT REALIZE ITS IMPOSSIBLE TO OWN A CAKE WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY EATIN DAT MOTHAFUCKA? ONTO DA NEXT ONE PLAYA. IF YOU IN CAHOOTS WITH A BITCH AND NEW YEARS EVE PASSES, SHE BETTER WISH YOU A HAPPY NEW YEAR IF SHE WANTS TO STAY ON THE ROSTER. EVEN IF U GUYS IS FIGHTIN AND FUSSIN. JUST SEND A FUCKIN “HAPPY NEW YEARS.” NOT WISHIN YOU HAPPY NYE WAS DA KISS OF DEATH.

GO GET A NEW BITCH AT DA GROCERY STORE IN YOUR SWEATS. THANKS

PINK SHOE LARUE

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I understand bitches should wait 90 days to fuck a guy, but we have needs too! and it’s not like a vibrator can handle all those needs. so how do we keep it in our pants for 3 months? that’s an awfully long time for a woman with a healthy sexual appetite…

YOU CAN FUCK WHOEVER YOU WANT. JUST MAKE SURE YOU DON’T LIKE HIM TO DA POINT DAT IF HE STARTS IGNORING YOU YOUR FEELINGS GET HURT. DATS WHY I SUGGEST 90 DAYS. BUT IF YOU’RE SOOOOO HORNY DAT UR CLITORIS IS GONNA SLIT ITS WRISTS, GO GET SOME STRANGE DICK. I SUGGEST U FUCK A DUDE U HAVE NO INTENTION OF LIKING.

PINK SHOE LARUE