Good afternoon playaz!
A pimp like Pink Shoe LaRue was sippin’ a flute of Grand Vintage Moet & Chandon last night on my new Gucci couch while watchin’ Oprah. “Oprah?” you ask? Yes muddafucka, Oprah. How else am I going to study the deep mechanics of da mind of a ho? Anyway… I dozed off with a full glass of champagne in my hand. Ain’t even spill a drop! I woke up with my Korean maid yellin’, “Pink Shoe! Somebody here Daddy!” I said, “Gee whiz. Who could it be?” I never answer the door unless I smell sweet and look gorgeous. You never know if a new bitch needin’ a certified pimp to give her direction is at the door. So I yelled at the mystery person at the door “Hold on please. A pimp will be right with you.” I went upstairs, took a shower, baby-powdered my balls, put on my Versace socks, a silk pink suit, a top-hat with a peacock feather, and last but never least: my pink alligator shoes. I then went downstairs, put on my pink mink coat, grabbed one of my many illustrious canes, and opened the door.
Guess who it was!!!
It was the delivery men with my new panda bear rug! There are only 2,000 panda bears in the world, and a pimp like Pink Shoe LaRue got a hold of a mint condition panda bear rug. Now, I don’t condone da harming of animals. This panda naturally died of lung cancer. But boy oh boy do it look beautiful in my meditation room. Anyways, let’s get into some fan-mail. I get millions of letters a day trying to absorb dis here pimpin’, but I can only read one at a time.
Anonymous in England writes:
Dear Pink Shoe LaRue
I am a professor at a pretty posh university in the UK. I am only 24 and there is a lovely freshman 19 or so who is giving me the signals. My Dean has made it clear that we should not fraternize with the students but this particular 1/2 asian 1/2 brazilian beauty is making me wanna break the rules. How do I score with her and not get in trouble with my Dean. NB my dean is a 59yr old menopausal BITCH!
Regards,
The Teacha
Pink Shoe LaRue’s answer:
I want you to close your eyes for a second. Well, you need to read this, so open them back up. Hopefully I didn’t say that too late. Can you see this? Ok. Keep your eyes open, then after you read this, close them. Upon closing your eyes, I want you to envision a jungle. We in dis jungle, and it’s mating season. Now, you are the premier male wildcat. You have gorgeous fur. A mane of gold. All the female cats want you cuz you in your sexual prime. You see dis fine young kitty walkin’ round the jungle and decide you wanna mate with her. You need to further the wildcat species, that’s what dis life is about after all.
So you climb upon a mountain of rocks and belt out your distinct cat roar. The young kitty roars back, to let you know she is in heat, ready to mate, and her cock-box is open for fertilization. But right before you mount onto her body— an old, haggard, grey haired cougar, with yellow teeth and claw marks all on her face jumps in the way. She roars some cigarette smokin’ soundin’ shit at you about not matin’ with da young kitty. “What is that bitch thinkin?” you ask. She is scared of feeling past her prime. Ain’t nothin’ worse than a cougar tryin’ to control how other cats in the the jungle fuck.
Your dean would have been permanently vanquished from the hoe-strip in Vegas, if I was her pimp. Her box is used, abused, tainted, and has depreciated in value. She is a 1987 Honda Civic with 300,000 highway miles and a broken air conditioner. Nobody wanna drive that old ass hoe. Dis bitch ain’t even a cougar. She’s a fuckin’ mountain lion!
A pimp named Pink Shoe LaRue hereby orders you to fuck this fine young 19 year old tender. If the old ass cougar, mountain lion, dean catches you doing it, you tell her you needed to find a deeper connection with your young students. If she continues to trip on a playa like you, you pull your gorgeous lion penis out, and let her touch it for 3-4 minutes tops. Each additional minute costs one free sick day.
Never let a 59 year old, out of order ho, tell you how to conduct business.
RESPECT THE GAME. LOVE DIS HERE PIMPIN’.
Having trouble in the office with a co-worker? Is your boss riding your ass? Wanna pull that cute, new secretary bitch in your office? Email PinkShoeLaRue@gmail.com and I will respond in a timely manner.
